Rebuild

Another rainy day, and I'm taking a little bit of time to post while Rafael naps. I know my last posts have been gloomy, and I understand that some of you are worried. Something happened in my life that has made me question everything, and has blown my idea of what my every day existence means into pieces. It doesn't mean I'm broken. Just my illusion of what I believed my life to be. 

So now it's time to rebuild.

What is important to me? What do I need to include in my life, and what do I need to let go of? These are the questions I am asking myself right now. You know, while folding laundry and wiping yogurt off the floor. I can't get too philosophical while my little guy is awake. 

I hear him yawning, waking up, in the next room. So this post is coming to a close. 

I mainly wanted to say.....don't worry. 

I am very strong, and I am bent on being happy. So I will be, eventually.

In the meantime: thank you.

xoxoxo

sometimes

How much of your life is really your life? How much of it is made of compromises, or doing what's right for others, or for the 'good of the family'? Is what makes others happy that which makes you happy? And if it's not, how long do you go on being patient, living someone else's dream, supporting them on their path, until it's ok to say, "I'm going to live for me now"? How many sacrifices for a loved one is too much? If your life was a pie chart, how big would the piece be labeled 'Things I Do For Me'?

Isn't it funny how we go about doing what we can to make the other happy, and then we sometimes find out that it's not enough, or that they wanted something else all along?

Isn't it funny how for a long time you think of it as 'our life,' and then one day you ask yourself, 'isn't this actually MY life?' 

We build homes, and families, and tightly intertwine our lives. But how close can you ever really be? Even with all of the things which connect us......we sometimes, for deeply sad moments, realize that we are actually alone.

xoxoxo

Between The Rain

After an incredibly long, cold winter, we are now having a long, cold, rainy spring. Everyone complains about the weather. In truth, though, the only thing you can do is rush outside the moment the rain stops, bundled up in your autumn attire, and enjoy every bit of sunshine and fresh air you can get. Rafael digs in the dirt, sifts through stones, blows bubbles, and kicks his soccor ball around the wet lawn until his sneakers are soaked through. I bring him hot chocolate and sip mugs of tea while he watches the children scurry and shout in the playground beside our yard. It's actually his favorite thing to do at the moment: watch other children play. It keeps him occupied for long stretches of time. 

My life, friends....is full of good fortune, but also, lately, hardship. Maybe that's why I don't write here often. It's a strange tightrope bloggers walk. Sharing of themselves, but not too much. Keeping some intimate things private. At least, that's how I feel about it. 

In some way, I wish I could write about it all, because writing has always helped me clarify my own thoughts and feelings. Also because I know that many of you would be able to relate, and then we might feel a little less alone in our struggles. We could hold hands and exchange words of comfort and support.

But, everything published here is so permanent. I remember going through a storage box and finding my journals from highschool, and rolling my eyes while reading them, thinking what a silly girl I was back then. I wouldn't want my highschool journals published, and I don't think I want the gritty details of my life now published here, either.

I can however tell you that, through a series of recent events, I have realized I am a person filled with fear of so many, many things. Fear of making irreparable mistakes. Fear of small spaces. Fear of ending up a struggling single mother. Fear of driving. Fear of making a fool of myself. Fear of betrayal. Fear of failing to be the mother my son needs and deserves. Fear of finding out that everything I believe is a lie. Fear of not living up to my potential. Of spending my old age filled with regret.

All of these fears are deeply-rooted and most of the time they dwell unseen in the dark, and manifest themselves in bouts of defensiveness and nervousness. These fears effect my daily life, and my relationships. 

It's easy to make big statements and promises to yourself about not letting fear rule your life. But a lot of the time, you only realize you were acting out of fear after the situation has passed. 

Something else I want to tell you is that, taking yourself (and what you know about yourself) seriously is important. Recently someone laughed off my in-flight panic attack, and it made me think quite a while about how different we all are, with our strengths and weaknesses...with our baggage. Yes, there are other people who can do many things without an ounce of fear that would have me paralyzed with fear. Some things which feel impossible to me come easily to others. I have a unique history, the story of my life with all of it's pain and beauty is embedded within, and it has formed who I am today. I can accept some things, want to change others, and discover even more about myself along the way. But what I know I will do from now on is honor who I am, including all of my faults and weaknesses, and try not to compare myself to others. 

xoxoxo

A Farm in Odenwald

Rafael and I took a journey to the lovely countryside in the neighboring country Germany. We stayed with my father and his family in an area called Odenwald, where they have renovated a small farmhouse. Raffi spent the days there wandering between tractors, horses, kittens and cows. The air was so clear, and the forests and grasses lush and green. I was surprised by how dark and quiet the nights are in the countryside. It was very cold for the time of year, and rained almost every day. But the landscape was beautiful, and it was good to spend time with family. 

Traveling alone with a toddler was difficult for me, even though he was very well behaved and patient. I had a panic attack on the flight there, and broke out into cold sweats dealing with luggage, car seat, baby, schedule, crowds, long airport halls....

I don't want to frighten anyone who is planning on traveling with their child alone. But many people told me it would be easy, and I want to be honest and tell you it wasn't, not for me. Rafael handled it all very well, only screaming and crying a little bit on the plane, but for me it was incredibly exhausting and overwhelming. I suppose I won't be doing it again until he is older. I am still glad I tried it, though. Because now I know, and I can say with confidence that it is not something I want to repeat. 

Having a home you love and miss is so fortunate. It seems that every time I take a trip, I lie awake at night seeing my home and my life from the outside, thinking of all the things I love, and realizing all the things I want to change. I decided that I want to hang up more photos and art in our home; that I want to build on to our terrace and turn it into a little walled garden; and that I want to start buying bouquets for our rooms again. You see, I've been fantasizing about buying a house lately, and now I decided I need to stop that, and begin putting more energy into the wonderful home we already have. 

When we got back, I spent the first few hours milling happily around, cleaning, unpacking, watering plants, putting this here and that there, settling back into HOME. The next day I bought two large bouquets at the farmer's market, and burned a candle at dinner time. I also bought two tins of luxurious Kusmi Tea, which not only tastes delicious, but fill your kitchen with it's sweet, warm fragrance while it seeps. I felt so cozy and content that I took a photo of our living room, adoring all the little details that make it mine.

The world is so big and beautiful; if you are lucky you can enjoy all of it's splendor and adventure. And if you are even more lucky, you have a safe, warm, comfortable home that you love and adore to come back to afterwards.

xoxo

Toads and Other Spring Adventures

Sunday hike. Raffi was very proud to be wearing his own backpack. (Thank you for the awesome little ladybug backpack, Morwenna!)

Our destination on that fine, sunny day.

Some leaves were moving in a corner of the playground. When I lifted them, I found these mating toads. First time I've seen this. Glad I had my camera!

Frog eggs. Laid in the same tiny pond every year. Nature's calendar.

Wild chives growing on the side of the hiking trail. Raffi tasting lungwort blossoms.

Exploring a big, magnificent playground in Tulln.

Peek-A-Boo! Hello, Spring!

This season is renewing my gratitude for a life in the countryside. I am so grateful to be able to share all of these tiny wonders with my son. 

Today we wandered around the woods, birds singing, warm breezes. Raffi threw stones down the side of the hill and picked flowers; stomped in shallow puddles and watched a furry caterpillar crawl in the palm of my hand. It feels like the ultimate luxury to walk down a sunny forest path aimlessly, with little snacks and a bottle of water, and tree stumps to rest on. My heart is so happy when I think that we have many more such days ahead!

xoxoxo

P.S. The frog eggs in the same pond in past years here, and here.

A String Of Perfect Moments

Friends: February and March were incredibly difficult months for me. The worst since the loss of our first baby.  

So this current string of perfect moments and days has come as a complete surprise. 

Rafael is one-and-a-half now, and this is funnest I have ever had with him. His character has blossomed, and every morning I wake up excited about the day ahead. 

The most wonderful part of life right now is the realization that Rafael loves nature as much as I do. Now that it is warmer, we spend many hours outdoors, and while I snap photos and the dogs sniff and prance around the path, Raffi clamors onto tree stumps, lets little stones sift through his fingers, jabs at bushes with sticks, and asks me what everything is called. 

It's incredible how much joy we both get out of discovering caterpillars, bugs, and salamanders. The fact that he crouches close and listens intently when I show him a wild herb or flower makes my heart burst. He now knows and identifies wild ramsons, liverwort, and anemones. When I tell him we are heading into the woods, he asks, "Lungenkraut? Salamander? Baerlauch?" ("Lungwort? Salamander? Ramsons?") And I say "Yes!"

I don't know why his enthusiasm for nature surprises me but it does. Since he is verbally advanced for his age, it's added fun to hear him say the names of wild plants and critters. And then I start imagining what the years ahead will be like....having my little companion with me, pointing out plants and animals. Collecting fallen nests, feathers, berries, heart-shaped stones, acorns and wild edibles.

When Rafael was between 15 and 17 months of age, every day was incredibly exhausting and being a parent just felt like WORK. Now, each day feels like PLAY, and we are having so much fun.

Isn't it amazing how life gives you ups and downs? Gives gifts and takes away? How you can feel like you are drowning one moment, like your life is upside down and you don't even know who you are or where you belong....and you wonder how long this pain and upheaval will last (you feel like it will last forever). And then one day you realize, you are OK again, you can breath again, your feet are planted firmly on the ground and your heart isn't aching anymore.

Spring, and my little boy, are helping me smile.

xoxoxo

If Ever I'm A Mother In Law....

If ever I'm a mother-in-law, I vow to....

1. Be happy for my son because he is happy, even if his 'happy life' looks different than I expected or perhaps secretly hoped for.

2. Respect his choice of partner.

3. Dedicate time, love, and interest to his children, which will mean automatically helping him and his wife have time for themselves.

4. Support him and his wife in the way they raise their children, including methods and choices different from those I made.

5. Keep an open line of communication with his wife, and let her know that she is like a daughter to me.

6. Pay attention to the needs and wants of him and his wife, being there when they need me and giving them space when they need space.

7. Make sure my husband is included in the time we spend with our grandkids.

8. Be careful not to favor any grandchildren, and be sure to spread my time and attention evenly. 

9. Only give advice if I am asked for my advice. 

10. Only give my opinion when I am asked for my opinion.

Can you guess the things I've been frustrated with lately?

xoxoxo